April 02, 2021

in·teg·ri·ty: noun: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

I have done spineless shit I am not proud of: Ran away from fights, stole, lied, cheated, did obnoxious things while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Shit that makes me cringe while taking a shower in the morning thinking about it. It’s a burden and It’s something I really need to work on in this life.

I don’t do the right things. I don’t pay attention 100% of the time. I drift off into my own head and drop the ball when someone is trying to share with me. I fuck up. I am human. Sometimes I just can’t be there.

This doesn’t mean I don’t care, or that I am not trying to be a better person, or that I don’t love the person who is speaking to me. What I lack in attention I hope I make up for in loyalty, kindness, understanding and integrity. I am new at this Self Care so bear with me, I am flawed.

I always thought less is more when it comes to deep conversations as to not step on my own two feet, look like a fool or say the wrong thing. I want to look like the Buddha. I want to be there but Virtue Signaling is not helping and that is exactly what I do. This is the Ego and something I’ve struggled with, something I AM struggling with. Pretending to be something I am not is something I am trying NOT to do. Like Popeye, I am what i am.

I recently messed up a good thing because of my ego. Because I misconstrued actions and words of someone who, like me, is going through her own spiritual awakening and growth and whom I would like to think is a bit ahead of me in regards to that. All I can say is “I’m sorry, thank you” and learn from it. Move on and be a better person. That is what this life is: lessons. Gratitude. Repeat. She taught me a lot in such a short period of time and was a catalyst in my growth and a reflection of the kind of person I want to be. She knows her self worth, and knows she is flawed but she is working on it by being her true self and being truthful to those around her: Integrity.

“Don’t confuse intimacy with intensity”…I would like to add “…and INFUSE both with integrity”.

Written by Corey Smaller Follow me on Instagram